


Would You Take Me Home?

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: A little bit of fluff, After Nick's arrest, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, M/M, Missing Scenes, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 11:36:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5867767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It didn't matter what had happened because Nick knew that Brian would always take him back home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Would You Take Me Home?

Would You Take Me Home?

_Could you take care of a broken soul?_  
_Will you hold me now or will you take me home?_  
 _Jess Glynne, Take Me Home_

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Starbucks was unusually empty that morning, a combination of its hidden and secret location and the early hour of the day, for the sky still held traces of the blue of the night while various shades of pink and light were starting to crawl out of their beds. The coffee shop was small, the place big enough to host a long wooden counter and a couple of tables with big, soft and dark green couches in front of the large window, where people kept walking by without even glancing to that particular Starbucks in their hurry to get to their destination, wherever that might be; a solitary waiter sat bored behind the cash register, a girl whose young age had tricked her to cover such tedious hours, and she was wasting the time with her eyes glued to the silver and pink Smartphone she had in her hands. If that had been a scene taken straight out of a comic book, puffs of exasperated air would be flying around her dark hair, whirling around and then disappearing into the soft breeze of a New York’s day.

Thankfully the girl seemed too young to recognize Nick as he entered the Starbucks: she might had read the news, since it was still all over social media, but she hadn’t probably cared much about a 90’s star because she only raised her gaze for a minute and then promptly continued to chat or do whatever she was doing with her phone. As relief swam through his veins, Nick confidently walked towards the back of the place, where he already knew Brian would be sitting waiting for him. It didn’t matter the place, whether it would be an enormous coffee shop or some little corner known only by him and a few more people, Brian would always chose the same table: in the back, far away from the continual coming and going of customers but still close enough so that he could observe the multitude of characters that would pass in front of him.

And that was a detail that not so many people knew about Brian. No one but Nick, who prided himself about being the only one who had been allowed to see that particular and secret trait of his character: Brian was an observer, probably something he had to learn back when he had been closed inside a hospital room for about two months with nothing much to do or many people to talk about during the long hours; observing, then, must had become a sort of play, a trick that Brian had used even when he had grown up, even when he had become a superstar that would travel all around the States and the world. It hadn’t been unusual, and still wasn’t, to find Brian cuddled up against the window, knees tight against his chest and an unreadable expression painted on his face, as his gaze looked through the glass and got lost amidst the strangers people that kept living their life outside their small and golden world. So many times Nick had joined the older, sitting on the seat next to him and curling up so he could place his head on Brian’s shoulder; when it happened, Brian never rejected him or pushed him away but, actually, he would accommodate his body so they would be both comfortable, so close that they could both feel each other’s breath on their skin and hearts beating the same calm melody. There hadn’t been the need to ask questions, or beg him to put in words all the images and scenes that were swimming through his mind; in that calm, warm and soothing voice of his, Brian would start creating stories for each person they would meet or cross their way, painting a world that didn’t have to be real or realistic. Sometimes it was just an ordinary and mundane life, fragments of men and women that dodged problems and tried to do something that would be meaningful for them: those were Nick’s favorite, echoes of an everyday life that he had never got the chance to taste and experience but, painted with Brian’s words, became a sort of movie that was playing only for him. And then there were times when those tales changed, times when an ordinary businessman would become a superhero, an incredible and powerful hero that would fight the evil once the city had gone to sleep and darkness could hide his movements. Nick could actually remember when those stories would come alive, days when sadness and the first cold breaths of depression would try to put a claim on his soul. In some ways, though Nick still couldn’t understand how, Brian had always been able to take notes about how something wasn’t right, especially what wasn’t right.

It was now so simple to see how that love, that need to be always so close to each other, had always been there, although none of them could actually pinpoint the exact moment when it actually made sense, when the veil of unknown had been lifted and they had been able to see that their reflection had always been clearer inside the other’s eyes.

And Brian had always known Nick, better than anyone else because he had always been so good at observing people, so damn good at looking through someone and see what they had been trying to hold back for too long; so damn good in reading Nick as if his soul was just an open book that anyone could easily read and comprehend; so damn good at it that it wasn’t a surprise if Nick kept running away from the older whenever things got rough or he ended up screwing up something. Or if he had tried to put so many miles, so much distance and fake hate between them. Between him and that mirror where he didn’t want to see how he had become.

That day hadn’t been different. A couple of years before, a different and younger Nick wouldn’t even dared to step inside the same city where Brian was living and breathing, as if the older could actually sense his shame and guilt even from miles and miles; the mere thought of facing Brian, of standing there and having to take the disappointment and delusion etched in those blue eyes, had always turned into a deep and dark void inside his stomach or an invisible monster that could and would stretch his long and sharp claws in search of blood. That sinking feeling hadn’t completely disappeared, the shame about his actions and behavior still kept his soul prisoner and had done a cartwheel at the very first moment Nick’s eyes had met Brian’s but, this time, Nick knew how to fight it. How to defend himself, picking up a sort of shield made of honor and self conscience. Maturity, for he wasn’t the irresponsible boy who couldn’t see where the wrong lied or how his actions had hurt the people he loved. How his actions had hurt the one person he loved the most in the world.

How is actions had hurt Brian, and not just the other night or not just for a drinking escape that was going to haunt him for more time that he was willing to admit.

A small and solitary ray of light fell upon the older man’s face, his outline still facing the street outside the window, as if he hadn’t been aware of the sudden change in the air. No, that wasn’t possible, Nick told himself as he slowly approached the table; it wasn’t possible because Brian had always known when the other man would walk into a room, no matter how much silent and smooth his steps could be, as if he had some sort of sixth sense that only worked with Nick and no one else. In the golden arm of a strangely warm winter sun, Nick could observe the older man for a couple of minutes, lingering as he hadn’t let himself do in the weeks before, afraid of being caught and being forced to explain why he still kept his distance instead of lowering his head and crawling back home: a shadow of sadness had casted its body upon those features, a weariness that had managed to sweep inside the blue and bring out straws of pale grey clouds that weren’t new, hadn’t been born during the night after Nick’s last misfortune. No, those shadows had been part of Brian for a much longer time, back when all Nick could and would care about was all the fame, attention, praises and compliments he was gaining day after day.

Life had been good back then. More than good, actually. Nick had been happy, sickly happy, that happiness he had envied so much for so many years and that he had tried to achieve through chimeras and delusional fantasies: he had so much work in his hands, projects he had caressed and tended as if they were precious children that needed all of his attention and care; mostly and more importantly, Nick had been in love and finally found a family that wasn’t in search of money or fame. Life had been good and had turned into a veil, a untouchable blanket that had prevented Nick from seeing what was happening around him and how those usually sparkling blue eyes had taken up the dark color of the sea during a storm.

Unseen and unnoticed by Nick, sadness had made its way inside Brian’s life, shaping itself into the form of a dark and black ghost and who slowly had become some sort of silent companion: it had walked by his side day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute; it had taken Nick’s place inside their bed, cold fingers that tried to fake caresses but only managed to breathe more ice and sadness in a soul that was already fighting, with tooth and claws, against the never ending feeling and need to just hide somewhere and never come back. Bones had started to weight more and more, infinite shades of grey had clouded his vision, sucking and bringing away all the colors so that even Christmas, that year, had seemed just like any other day instead of a celebration and a holiday to spend with loved ones. So life had become just a series of ways to survive, to go past without anyone noticing that something wasn’t right, or without anyone asking why he wasn’t calling out Nick’s bluff and bringing him back home: Brian had busied himself with Baylee’s auditions and the sudden move to New York, a breath of new air that had seemed to strengthen his soul and spirit and battle away the grey and the sadness; he lowered and lost his mind into writing, songs and songs that would or wouldn’t appear on the new record of the group but it gave him an outlet to get rid of certain emotions that, not so long before, had managed to shatter Brian’s soul and push him into the shadows.

Yet, Nick hadn’t noticed any of those signs. Not when it had been too late for him to reach out a hand and pull his partner, the one he had promised he was going to protect and take care with every ounce of his will and soul, out of that dark corner that was always, always, hunger for blood and pieces of spirit.

In hindsight, that had been the first crack. The moment when everything had started to roll down without any chance to stop it; the moment when Nick should had stepped up instead of feeling hurt and wanting some sort of stupid, idiot revenge.

Nick walked back to the waiter and ordered one piece of the cheesecake he knew Brian loved. It was very subtle, camouflaged by the thin layer of beard that enlightened the sharp line of the jaw, but the bones were more pronounced and a small signal of alarm started to take off inside Nick. He should have known, of course, because he and Brian were different even when it came to that, to the way they dealt and reacted to a bad situation. Opposite. Complementary: where Nick resolved into trying to fill the emptiness inside him in any way possible, just like it had happened only the night before, Brian just let himself drifting away, shutting down every sense so he could just ignore what was happening. So that he could keep going on as nothing was or had been wrong.

Not anymore.

If the night before had taught him something was certainly that love, that relationships weren’t something you could just take for granted, even and especially when the sun was shining its golden and warm rays.

Brian had seen Nick, of course he had. He had never asked himself why or how, it had always seemed something so natural to just know, feel and sense when the other boy would enter ~~in~~ a room or wherever he was: there was something that would change the air and the atmosphere irreparably, a sort of electricity that would ignite a fire upon every single nerve and fiber inside Brian; everything seemed clearer and more colorful, as if a switch had been turned on and Brian was now highly aware of each and every little and small detail.

He had never tried, Brian, to understand why it happened. Maybe it was love. Maybe he and Nick were really soul mates and, being the older, he needed to assure and reassure himself that he was okay or if anything was going utterly wrong. And that had been the reason why they had drifted away, why Nick felt that Brian had left him alone because the truth was that Brian couldn’t stand, couldn’t bear the destruction and the desperation and had felt so useless and such a failure.

Wasn’t he meant to protect Nick? Wasn’t he meant to look after the younger, to take his hand and bring him back whenever he would fall apart?

Brian’s eyes have already studied Nick’s figure, taking notice of the paleness of his face and the contrast of bloodshot eyes that could tell so many things about the night before without his mouth pronouncing them. He seemed shorter, smaller in that way that a soul managed to when it wanted to hide itself and its mistakes. Its shame. Nick’s shame.

In the beginning, when Nick finally came over and sat in front of Brian, they didn’t talk. They just looked at each other, their sight trying to recover and make up for all those long minutes and seconds they hadn’t been able to soak themselves into the other’s eyes. A small glimmer of a smile curved Brian’s lips when he noticed the cheesecakes that Nick had placed in front of him, the subtle innuendo and private joke that he wasn’t eating as much as Nick would have loved him to. In that moment Nick knew, understood, that they were going to be fine. He was going to fine because Brian was there and that smile, although small and still tainted with a shade of disappointment and worry, told and assured Nick that he would always going to be there, waiting for him so that they could go back home together. That thought, that security and knowledge seemed to sweep away any traces left of shame or worry: he had made a mistake, more than one, but it was far from being over.

“Hey.”

Brian’s voice was a little bit rough, that roughness that came from sleepless nights and from that worry that had done so much damage in the last years. Yet his voice, Brian’s voice, was still one of the most beautiful sounds Nick had and would always hear in the world. Especially after he hadn’t heard it for weeks and weeks.

“Hey.”

“You always try to fatten me up.” The joke fell easily in the silence, stretching its blanket around the couple so that they could be finally protected and covered from the rest of the world.

“Not my fault you always eat so little.” Nick’s replied was lightened up with a smile, that easy banter that always drove people mad because they always lost themselves between their jokes and replies that belonged to their private heaven.

“I eat enough, thank you very much.”

“Enough for a bird, you mean.”

“I burn a lot.”

“Yes. Sure.” Nick replied rolling his eyes.

“If someone would stop stealing my plates... - Brian’s reply came as Nick reached out his arms and pushed the cheesecake towards himself, picking up the fork and starting to take a bite. – That’s my pie.”

“I need to know if it’s good. Imagine what a horrible impression I’d made if it turns out to taste terrible.”

“That’s the card you keep using every time you steal my food. – Brian replied, grabbing the plate and pushing it towards him. Though, quicker than the Flash, Nick had already stolen a bite. – I can’t believe it! You offered it to me! You were supposed to wait until I offered to share it with you!”

“But it’s implied that you will never finish it!”

“Implied?”

“That’s how it always happens: I get you something, you eat one or two bites and then I have to finish it anyway.”

“But I’m supposed to eat it first! That’s how it works when you offer something to someone!”

Nick couldn’t offer something in return, not even a small joke or remark because he was just happy. He just threw his head back and let out the most refreshing laughter of the past days. Or, actually, of the past weeks. Everything had changed, shifting in a territory where both of them didn’t actually know how to move or how to treat each other; yet, at the same time, it still seemed as if nothing had changed: here they were, still being able to joke about things as stolen foods and worries as if it was just another day of their life lived together. As if they had just gone out to have breakfast and were playfully fighting over that one single piece of cheesecake, laughing and making everyone else jealous of their relationship and happiness.

Here they were and all Nick wanted was to lean over and steal that grin that was brightening Brian’s face up; here they were and Brian wanted just to take Nick’s hand and take him home, leaving all those misunderstandings and pain out of their door and life.

But they couldn’t.

Brian was the first to know that they needed to talk, to discuss whatever that had brought Nick back to his old habit and that had caused that fucked up situation; Brian was the first that had to admit his fair share of responsibilities and blame, for he had just thought about concealing his hurt rather than to reach out and ask for a help that wouldn’t ever be denied. But Brian was the first to know that this misstep, this sudden and abrupt storm inside their sunshine, wasn’t going to be the end of them: on the contrary, that series of mistakes was just going to make them stronger, for they now knew where they had to work, really and seriously work through those flaws and imperfections that made them perfect for each other: they might be broken, they might be imperfect but, oh, they were so perfect together because they challenged each other, they pushed each other to never back down and always, always, get back on their feet.

Nick’s laughter quieted down, silence took once again its favorite place between them; yet, it wasn’t an uncomfortable one, an absence of sound that needed to be filled with words and apologies. That silence was filled with everything that they should have told each other long ago, when the first thunder had started to rumble and grey clouds had begun to come and gather together, and everything that they shouldn’t have done to each other.

Especially Nick.

Especially Brian.

“I fucked up.” Nick admitted softly, his fingertips tracing invisible circle on the table. He had done it and not just when he decided to drink the first beer, then the second one until his mind was clouded and numbed from the pain; he had done it when he had turned his face away and hadn’t wanted to see the broken expression in those eyes darkened and deepened with something he could never understand completely; he had done it when, instead of fighting and throwing down those damned walls, Nick had just decided to break that relationship up.

And hurt both of them in the process.

“You did. – Brian agreed, looking straight into Nick’s eyes. – We both did.”

“I wanted... I don’t know. – Nerves made themselves noted in that hand that, as if it couldn’t stay still, ran through his blonde hair. – I wanted to do something. You shut me out and I didn’t know how to reach you, how to make you see that I was there. That I wanted to be there, no matter many things I had going on in my life.”

“So you broke up with me.”

“I was hurt. I wanted to hurt you back. I wanted to make you feel my same pain, I wanted you to know how it feels when the one you love doesn’t want and need your help.”

“It’s complicated. I’m complicated. – Brian replied with so much sincerity and so much honesty that Nick just wanted to stop him. He was the one that should explain, he was the one that should try to make sense into a behavior that kept pushing a knife whose tip was tainted with shame and embarrassment. Brian looked out of the window but, instead of noticing people walking by, images of what had happened between them started to roll as if there was an invisible camera. He could see all of his mistakes, he could see where they should have started to notice that something was wrong and, yet, all they had done was hiding and hoping that the other would do something. And it should have been him, older and wiser. It should have been him the one taking the first step, admitting that he needed Nick more than anyone else in that particular moment of his life. But his pride hadn’t let him and everything that had happened later had only been consequences of that cowardly act. – You were happy, happier and healthier than you have ever been in your life. You were energy, pure energy that didn’t and couldn’t be stopped and I couldn’t let my own problems, my own struggles and sadness interfere with your plans. I wanted to let you shine so I hid my darkness, my storms and my rains hoping that you wouldn’t notice them. But, at the same time, I needed you. I needed your unbelievable faith and trust, I needed more love and support because I was falling, crumbling, once again. But I didn’t know how to tell you.”

The confession made Nick’s heart skip a beat, as if it was painfully aware and conscious of that sadness latched on lines and a frown that had suddenly made its appearance between Brian’s eyes. Nick could only see his reflection in the glass and, yet, he could read the fractures of shame that still tainted the elder’s face, that reluctant desire to show how weak he had been and how badly he hate needed someone else to make it through the storm once again.

“I saw it too late. – Nick admitted, his turn to lower his eyes and hide from those blue eyes, mixed with grey, that would cast a judgment on his actions. It was that one of the reason why he had promised himself that he would never fuck up again, because reading the disappointment in Brian’s eyes was and would always be the worst feeling in the whole universe. – I got angry, as always. I was hurt and the only way I could react was letting roll the waves of hearted instead of trying to understand why you were sailing away from me. Once again you were pushing me away, once again you were trying to save yourself without asking me help, as if I was still that irresponsible kid that could never be strong enough to carry both of us. As if I was a frail leaf that would be crushed by your storm instead of being able to carry you out of it.”

Instead of disappointment, instead of the hard and stern look that he had always found written upon Brian’s features, this time Nick found himself looking at sadness: a grey and suffocating feeling that, as if it was carried out by the air in the room, had started to circle its rings around Nick’s figure, wanting and desiring to take a hold upon his soul; an aura that told more than Brian’s words had let on, letting Nick see that the person who Brian had been most disappointed in had been himself and no one else.

Not even Nick.

“So... it’s my fault?” Brian asked in a small voice, though that was just another rhetorical question because he already knew the answer. He already knew that he had been the one driving Nick towards that point, that so low point that none of them had ever thought ~~it~~ could be possible to reach again.

“No. No, damn! Brian! No! – Nick exclaimed in a harsh tone. Although it actually came out a little harsher than he intended to, and that was just because he couldn’t believe that Brian, among all, would seriously believed that he had any responsibilities in what had happened. – My drinking has nothing to do with you. I made that decision and I regretted it immediately. I just wanted the pain to disappear, that feeling guilty because I destroyed us when I should have been there for you, fighting with you instead of acting like a kid and being angry because I was being ignored. I drank because I wanted so bad to come back home, to shake you and make you see that you don’t always have to pretend that you don’t need someone’s help, my help. I drank because I was a coward.”

Brian reached out his hand and placed it upon Nick’s, their fingers almost immediately searching for their twins and wrapping themselves around each other, like they had felt their absence terribly. A tight grip, a soft caress that said something that couldn’t be said with words, that undying understanding that was born from years and years of studying each other’s soul and heart. Brian understood because he had been a coward too, hiding into work and the fake appearance of a new and normal life in a city too big for people to remember and recognize him, when he could have picked up the phone and told him how much his absence had felt like someone had put a veil around his face and nothing hadn’t been in colors anymore.

“But you came back. You are here now. – Brian softly whispered, ready to put all the grey weeks behind his back. It was that, maybe, the most important change that he had managed to make in his life, something that couldn’t be seen by strangers: the better part of his problems, anxieties and stress had always set their nest there, in that particular and obsessive over thinking about what had happened and what should have happened if he had done or said different things. He had always had a hard time letting things go from his mind, to forget even when it was so easy to forgive that blown. – We can start all over again. We can pick us up and go on, day after day, knowing how it hurts to be without our other half. I’m not perfect. I’m no superhero. I’m stubborn, complicated and too damn proud to ask for help. You’re light and you live for the brightest stars while I, sometimes, prefer the darkness and the perks of not being that famous anymore. We’re broken, messed up by life and fate. And yet we are the luckiest ones because we keep having second chances that not so many people get in the world. We’re broken but we fit with our missing pieces. We’re perfect only when we’re together, don’t ever forget that.”

Words were blocked inside Nick’s throat, a lump made of tears and love had decided to take place between his vocal chords and it wasn’t going to allow nothing, not even air, to go past it. They were different but that was the main reason why they fit and belonged to each other like no one else had ever had in their life.

“I promise, Bri. I promise I’m gonna try my hardest. I’m not gonna make the same mistake and I know you won’t let it happen anymore. No matter how far you’re gonna push me, I’m gonna push you closer and closer until you won’t have to hide anymore. Until you can’t hide anymore.”

For a bunch of moments, long and stretched seconds, Brian didn’t say anything; his eyes kept their gaze upon Nick’s, an expression that could be definite as the purest and most honest definition of love. In those seconds, in those stretched fragments when time stood still and became eternity, Nick could read what Brian’s voice wasn’t saying because it wasn’t necessary; it was implied, a reply of his own promise and the admission that he was going to try, too: Brian was going to try to be less selfless, to let Nick take him and make him the centre of their universe once in a while because, yes, probably they were like day and night, and that meant that they could and should share the same sky, shifting smoothly from one to another.

“So, do you want to come home?” Brian asked, getting up slowly and holding out his hand towards Nick.

Home was different, now. Home was a place that Brian had had to buy on his own, another step that Nick had missed because... Nick shook his head, smiling softly at Brian as they started to walk out of the coffee shop and followed the stream of people that were taking advantage of the sunny day for a stroll in the park. Maybe the physical house was different, temporary until the Broadway show would be over and they would have to see what the future could offer to them, but home was and would always be the same place where Brian would be.

Because Brian was Nick’s home. And Nick would always come back to it, to him, every time.

No matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank everyone who keeps reading and leaving kudos.  
> You guys are the reason why I keep writing and trying to be a better writer. =)


End file.
